Relationship Talk: Getting Back With Your Ex for the Right Reasons


Why not try to run back to your ex to avoid the agony of having every stupid love song on the radio remind you of him/her? Who cares if you both fought all the time, stopped enjoying being around each or even that the other person cheated? Isn’t having someone better than having no one? And if you still love the person, doesn’t love conquer all?

Truth be told, no, love doesn’t conquer all and no, having someone—anyone—is not better than having no one. In fact this type of thinking will get you into a very unhappy place very fast. I work with many people who end up settling for “someone” because they’re too afraid that if they don’t, they’ll never find anyone. When your key focus is to find someone—period—you are setting yourself up for unhappiness. Your “bar” cannot be someone. There are countless someones out there who are selfish, mean, users, cheaters and even abusers. Don’t ever just hope for someone. You deserve more than that.

When it comes to romantic relationships, you have to raise the bar. You want your aim to be to find someone who enhances your life and helps you feel great about you—and your relationship. This person could potentially be the person you spend the most time with — the person you come home to every day, sleep with every night, possibly even raise a family with and build your future with. Don’t you owe it to yourself to choose wisely? Don’t you owe it to yourself to raise the bar on “just anyone”?

When it comes to romantic relationships–accept nothing less than a great person who helps you feel great, too. The main ingredients to look for include:
•    Do they treat you well? (Give compliments, cherish you, treat you with respect, help you feel good about yourself, etc.)
•    Do they build you up rather than tear you down with their words?
•    Are they supportive of you rather than threatened by your success?
•    Are they kind-hearted human beings?
•    Do they listen to you and care about what you feel?
•    Are they accountable for their mistakes and do they repair them rather than blame you for them?
•    Do you feel their warm regard for you?
•    Did they love you or were you just their “someone”?

When thinking about going back to your ex, look over the list above and ask yourself if s/he treated you well. Were you always trying to prove yourself or did you know you were enough in their eyes and your own? When s/he made mistakes, were the mistakes acknowledged and repaired or were they justified and minimized? And finally, did it feel good to be in their presence—not because you had someone, but because “this” person felt good to be with? If you can answer yes to these questions and you want to go back because you realize this person truly adds to your life—then go for it. In fact, I would wonder why you left in the first place .
If this other person left you, then ask yourself if you treated them well, if you were accountable for your actions and if it felt good to be in your presence. If the answer to these questions is no, then you have some changing to do before you try getting back together with your ex. Before you try getting back with him/her, I suggest you be accountable for your actions in the relationship and start repairing any hurts you may have caused. Become the person you wish you were with and then see if s/he will give you a second chance. And if they do give you a second chance—treat them well this time.

Challenge: Before going back to your ex to avoid loneliness, take the time to really ask yourself if this person is right for you. Don’t ever settle for someone—for your sake and theirs.

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