The Bible says in Ephesians chapter 1 that we are blessed with ALL spiritual blessings in Christ Jesus. However, often, the word blessings to us only means physical or tangible things.
But even when we struggle to pray, we are blessed with the power to overcome that struggle in Christ. When we struggle with resentment and unforgiveness that we may not be aware of at times, we are blessed with the ability to discern it through prayer and surrender it to God. When we are faced with the struggle of lust, we are blessed with the power of the word to cut away the ungodly desire.
When we feel weak, we are strong because we are no longer dependent on our strength to carry us but on the strength of Christ. #arise
In having a conversation tonight, I realized how and why it is so easy for us to sin. And I’m not talking about the “big sins” our minds may run to but to sin in general.
We often do not consider that we live in a world where if we are not serving one – God, we are serving the other, the enemy. Because we can logically explain things, we have created a center ground where we think certain things are okay, even though they don’t give glory to God. And, of course, we will find examples like the following
– so when I go to the beach, am I giving glory to God? Or how can I give glory to God?
Answer: Going to the beach is part of our human experience and enjoyment, but that does not mean it creates a place to do anti-biblical things, like wearing a monokini or extra tight and short trunks for the men. We are still supposed to represent Christ. We are still to shun the appearance of evil. We are to cause still not a brother or sister to stumble through lust. So, though the act of sea bathing or the motion of going to the beach does not directly require hands up and praying in tongues, the very life we lead at this location is supposed to bring honor and glory to God.
It’s the separation of faith and place that makes sinning as easy as it is. There is no middle ground. We are either serving one or the other.
In times past, when I knew someone was judging me or had an opinion that questioned my character, I felt hurt and rejected. For days, I walked around like I was carrying the world on my shoulders. But through trauma work, with God’s help, I now find myself grateful in those moments. I find myself smiling and saying thank you, God, for blessing me. Because I refuse to be mentally controlled by the misguided desires of others to have what I have, that’s sent forth in the form of judgment and “ridiculing” opinions.
Sometimes, when people are pointing fingers at you, it’s because they wish they were in your shoes. Do not allow their grim fete of hope to place a mental questionnaire before you. Once you are working along with God, then you are right where you need to be.
Sometimes we can be caught up so much in how much we’ve been hurt, we neglect the fact that we may have equally inflicted hurt.
I remember the Lord had me apologize to a pastor and ministry that caused me great pain. To me, my response was deserved but to God my response was pride. So in order to cultivate true humility, he allowed me to put my emotions aside and think about how I may have caused disappointments or pain to another. The pastor was so moved he cried and also apologized, following my apology. Sometimes, it’s not about feeling right but about being right in the eyes of God.
This will not always be the case but introspection is needed to be clear on the differentiation of circumstances and response.
Sometimes we can find ourselves in a season where we are totally alone. Not that there aren’t people around but either, they are not interested to hear us or God has not given the release to let them into this season of transformation.
This can leave us feeling extremely lonely at times and if we are not careful, the need to be seen or heard will cause wrong connections. Though this will take a conscious decision, remember that the Lord is with you. As you transition this season, you will learn total dependence on Him, a gift that cannot be shaken. Another season will come where the right people will be aligned. However, for now, He is teaching you total dependence on Him. So as painful as this may be, allow yourself to be submitted to the process and lesson. You will be blessed in the end. #selah #christian
Marriage, something that many young women fantasize about and look forward to. With all the romance novels and movies around, our mindset is skewed from the onset. Some of us even create a list and would wait for a man to check off all or most and I mean most of the requirements. Yet, what have been found is after marriage, many of us find our list to be fading away in the person. “This is not the man I married”; “What is happening here”?; “Had I known I would not have” and the list can go on about how we feel after discoveries.
As I marinated the word of God today, there it was, a verse lighting up from the page along with others I already knew. In all my time of reading Ephesians 5, I never zoned in on this verse as was today. Immediately I realised that our list should be created from the word of God. All the other fallacies of marriage or the characteristic of a person cannot be compared to a list created by the word. The ultimate list. Don’t misconstrue me as there are other attributes which is not directly listed in the word, that may play a part in our selection.
If you are a Christian, you would know the old adage verse – Ephesians 5:25 that says, “Husbands love your wives as Christ love the church and gave himself for her“. This verse is often expounded upon when sharing with women, what a good husband entails or should do. However, there is more in that same scripture and if I should be quite honest, was never really heard in all the youth meetings or Christian forums, I attended. This verse spoke volume and can really change the trajectory of how we select a partner. It can also shed light on us the women about ourselves. Recently, I heard a stately gentleman say, “Men only do what women allow them to do”. What a true statement for If we know our worth, then we will know what is worth staying around and what is not.
Ephesians 5:28 – “So husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies, he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church“.
The above mentioned verse speaks of a husband but as we know, before one becomes a husband, he is someone we are dating, then a friend, then a boyfriend, then a fiancé , then a husband. In leading up to each level, there will be observation and understanding of the person. These observations will aid in knowing if the person deserves to move up in rank or not. For some of us this process happens so fast because we are in a story book kind of love that we miss a lot of signs and red flags. So we end up in a marriage with a man we completely misunderstood. With that comes hurt, pains, regrets, breaking down of oneself, to some depression and for others sadly suicide.
“Look at how a man treats his mother and you will known how he will treat you”. Another saying that does carry some truth but can also be untrue. Why so? There are men who “worships” their mothers but will still ill treat a woman. Some men will kill for their daughters but will still ill treat a woman. WHY? The verse above answers that question and will also raise another question about us women. The word of God says, a husband should love his wife as he loves HIMSELF. If a man does not love himself, then he can never truly love. As for us women, if we don’t love ourselves, then we will accept a man who don’t love himself and will in turn not love us correctly. What is correctly? As Christ love the church. There, lies the connection. A man must first love the Lord with all his heart, in doing so he will fall in love with himself more and more and this will be extended, when he marries a wife. This type of man will know exactly how to love his lady. Also a woman will wholeheartedly submit to this type of man.
When choosing a husband, may this be the start of your list or rather let these qualities play a major part in your list. Yes, there will be the physical aspect etc, but pay close attention to how the man loves the Lord and himself. There are many men who calls themselves Christians but can be religious. In no way, are we to be judgemental but when it comes to choosing a life partner, one must be careful.
The biggest advise to young women is, be so engulfed in God that a man should come there to find you. Do not be easily accessible for you are a prized possession. When a man FINDS a wife, he finds a good thing. So on this double sided coin, ladies, be passionate about the things of God and serve diligently while you wait to be married. But also be vigilant and watch how the man loves the Lord and himself for in this you will know if you will be loved as Christ loves the church.
1. If your significant other talks poorly to you, s/he will likely talk poorly about you. Bad mouthing a loved one behind their back is about that person’s lack of integrity, not your behavior. Choose your significant other wisely.
2. Getting married, having a baby or moving will not fix a relationship. These actions will instead amplify what is already there—the good, the bad and the ugly. Don’t look to these things as your savior. Fix the underlying issues before you get more deeply imbedded in them.
3. You are 100% responsible for the life you allow, the life you sabotage and the life you create. Don’t blame your circumstances on your significant other or anyone else. Doing so takes your power away. No one, but you “makes” you do anything. Get real with yourself, your choices and your actions.
4. Anyone who is unaccountable for their own behaviors, mistakes or difficult patterns is difficult to be in relationship with. A person’s lack of accountability is about the person, NOT about someone else’s behavior. If you’re unaccountable—fix it. If the person you’re with is unaccountable—have them fix it. If they won’t, be willing to leave.
5. Addicts often form relationships with people who will enable their addictions. Too many partners ignore the signs of their significant other’s addiction and tip toe around it, hoping the addict will “see the light.” Addiction does not magically go away and most addicts deny they are addicts.
6. If a person shows little remorse about an affair, they are highly likely to have another. Don’t move forward in the absence of remorse.
7. Hitting, threatening, pushing or in any way putting your hands on someone in anger is NOT “normal,” is NOT okay and is NOT acceptable. It IS abuse.
8. You are NEVER responsible for another person’s rage, abuse or threats. If someone is violent toward you, they will be violent with others. Their violence is about them and their demons, not about you and your behavior—no matter what they say.
9. Yelling, screaming or belittling is NOT a “normal” part of relationships, nor is it okay. Healthy arguments stay respectful even when the subject matter is difficult to talk about.
10. If a person has two or more affairs, sex addiction may be present. If you choose to stay, do so with your eyes wide open and not with blinders on. DO NOT be naive; know this behavior will not change without extensive treatment, sincere remorse, 100% accountability and full transparency about the past and future.
Many people have had poor role models in their lives and grew up with unhealthy messages regarding relationships. I don’t care what you saw, what you heard or what you lived, these ten relationship truths are TRUE. Trust them, live them and lean into them. You cannot have healthy relationships if you don’t know what healthy looks like. If you had a difficult upbringing, dare to evolve away from those old messages and hurtful patterns. You owe it to yourself.
Challenge: Look over the list above and start challenging the unhealthy messages you’ve bought from your upbringing, the media or our culture.
I’ve had my share of married men being interested in me. What did I do? I will share with you in another post. However, I could not find this article more interesting and needed. Enjoy!!!
Responding to the Advances of Married Men
I wrote a post a while back about women going after married men (in response to an article written on the topic) and received a comment from a woman stating that women are often not to blame for affairs. Here is an excerpt of her comment, “The truth is that these men often aggressively pursue single women until they break them down over months or even years of pursuit. I am a very attractive single woman and unfortunately, I attract a LOT of married and/or attached men…My main point is stop blaming single women, it’s the men who are far more often doing wrong to both their wife and the poor victim they pursue, many times by lying. If the girl is young and gullible she is in for a hellish ride. It’s time to put the blame firmly where it belongs, on the men who pursue these relationships. Very rarely are these men pursued by women and even if they are, they are still very much at fault.”
The reality is, regardless of whom is doing the pursuing, getting involved with a married man or woman is off. I don’t say this with a sense of malicious judgment, righteousness or any other mean-spirited sentiment. I say it from a place of humanity. If a person is interested in having multiple partners, that is their choice—as long as they have not promised to be monogamous to one of those partners. Marriage is a commitment of two people to be faithful, supportive and cherishing of one another—in good times and bad. Looking outside the marriage is a direct breach of that promise. It’s out of integrity, painful and toxic to men, women, children and families. It behooves all of us to know this violation…and to act accordingly.
Acting accordingly means work your side of this equation—because it’s the only side of the equation in which you have control and the power to bring about change. So to all those single women out there who are being pursued by married men, here is my advice:
Verify. Just because a man says he’s single doesn’t mean he is. Pay attention to the red flags. Here are three quick ones: 1. He’s only available during the day, limited times on weekends or for sporadic periods. 2. He doesn’t introduce you to his friends/family/co-workers. 3. He shares limited information about himself, including where he lives and/or works.
“A bad marriage” means STILL MARRIED. If you meet a guy who pursues you and tells you he and his wife are on the rocks and talking divorce even though they still live together…RUN. “Talking divorce” is NOT divorced. Couples can “talk” divorce for decades and still remain committed. You deserve someone completely, not just a part of someone. Tell him thanks but no thanks and move on. Don’t slow down, don’t look back and don’t give it a try or wait and see. GO.
Unhappy marriage means STILL MARRIED. I’ve worked with many couples who were rocked by an affair…while both partners would have said their marriage was great. People don’t have affairs only because they’re unhappy in their marriages. If a married man is pursuing you, assume he lies. It behooves him to paint his wife to be the evil one, however, there are always two sides to a story. Don’t get fooled.
Don’t cross the line. You can’t stop someone from initially pursuing you, however, you can stop yourself from crossing the line. Know in your heart that affairs are toxic to human beings and commit to not becoming part of that toxicity. The moment you discover someone is married—be appalled, offended and annoyed that they put you in that position and walk away. Don’t kid yourself into thinking that person will alleviate your loneliness; they will only prolong it in the long run.
The bottom line when it comes to affairs is…don’t do it. Stay out of them. Affairs hurt human beings. The attention you get from an affair does not wipe out the pain and hurt your affair is causing others and will eventually cause you. Walk away before things ever have the chance to grow. Take the high road even when others around you aren’t and then be proud of yourself for doing so.
Challenge: If a married man/woman is pursuing you…walk away. If you thought they were single and later find out they’re married…walk away. If you find yourself attracted to a married man/woman…avoid them. Take the high road…it’s the only road without guilt, shame and collateral damage.
This is a continuation of the our last post on relationships. Hope Relationship Talk: Falling Off The Track would have set you thinking. This is the home run for you. Married or not married, pay close attention.
What Takes Me Off Track in My Relationships: A Relationship Expert’s Journey (Part II)
Below is the continuation from my previous post of things that have taken me off track in my relationships. I hope some of these will serve as a reminder to you to pay attention to the moves you make that may also be taking you off track in your relationships. After being married for twenty years, I’m sure I could probably come up with many more but I don’t want to overwhelm you.
Let fear drive my actions. Fear of failure, success, financial problems, future happenings etc., all keep me out of the present and have often lead me to make poor choices. Some times the fear leads me to making no choices. Either way, fear has taken me down the wrong path too many times. If the bad thing is not happening now, I’ve learned to stop fretting about it (on a good day). I’m realizing that if the bad thing does happen, I’ll only have to fret about it later anyway so why not give myself a break now.
Assumed that as my kids got older they wanted to see less of me. I’ve learned that universally kids want their parent’s time and attention. Of course there are times when they need a their space, however, even then they need to know you’re always there for them. Pay attention, listen to their stories and don’t assume they don’t care. I’m learning everyday to be more present and to SHOW I care, I’m listening and I have their back.
Shut down and shut others out when I was angry/hurt. Although I’ve come a long way on this issue, this has been an ongoing edge for me. All I can say is shutting down and stewing is not productive. Giving someone the silent treatment is not justified, okay or helpful. I’ve learned through the years that resolution cannot happen if there is no conversation to work issues through. I’ve had to learn to speak it in the moment…or at least as soon as I can find the strength to do so.
Forgot to lean into the good moments. This is so big and something I am still trying to remind myself to do every day. LEAN IN. There are little moments that occur all the time that so many of us forget to take in. We have to learn to take them in. Breathe in: A moment of laughter with your child, a spark of tenderness with your spouse, a great conversation, a cool success, a healing moment etc. We have to learn to notice the gifts…especially if we’re going to be so hyper-vigilant to the struggles/imperfections of life. Feel the joy and… LEAN IN.
Allowed perfectionism to get in the way of acceptance. If I could re-do the first 6 years of my parenting I would do my very best to stop the tweaking and critiquing and instead enjoy my children’s imperfections and journey of discovery. I would also have started much earlier to let go of all the self-tweaking as well. Perfection is an impossible feat and it’s time we all stop demanding it of others and ourselves.
Relationships can be amazing opportunities for self-growth if we dare to allow ourselves to see our fault lines. We all have our own particular vulnerabilities when it comes to life and relationships and it’s up to each of us to be aware of what those are. It’s also up to each of us to be conscious of when we’re going down the wrong path and then, have the courage to take steps to self-correct.
Challenge: I encourage you to make a list of the ways you can go off track in your relationships. Pay attention to signs that you’re headed down the wrong path and learn to self-correct. You and your loved ones will thank you for it!
As a woman who was been placed in this position, I can tell you that it should not be accepted when a man leaves you to read between the lines. Think about the following scenario for a moment.
Scenario: You and this particular gentleman, who you would have adapted feelings for, continues to talk frequently . He partially indicates to you that he likes you, operating as if you are in a relationship (to an extent) and at intervals reminds you that you all are friends. What will you do? Will you continue to go along with it or will you, not accept it and move on?
I’ll tell you about me and would love to know what you think in the comment box below. Experiencing rock bottom and knowing what it feels like to be used and emotionally abused, many might view my stance as an act of “revenge” but in my humble opinion, I believe that a woman is worth more than the “read between the lines” plot. What is wrong with affirming a woman on how you feel about her? If a man is not interested in a person, then it will be only fair to inform them of such, clearing the atmosphere and continuing a free mutual friendship. Why do I say free? Simply because both parties would be at ease, knowing the reality of the situation. When one person is reading into gestures the wrong way, it leaves room for development of emotional soars, which can scar what was once a good friendship. Many men would like to have their cake and eat it to, so they sometimes keep us women in a firm grip but simultaneously at bay, to fulfill their personal desires. Ladies we are a beautiful precious creation and should never allow ourselves to be treated this way. If you have to read between the lines, do so by realizing who you are and how much of an effort you are worth. Beautifully and wonderfully made by God at a high price you are. As Gospel Rapper D’Aych says in our interview with him Beautiful You Are – Interview with Daniel Harris (D’Aych), men respect women who respects themselves. So you would be treated according to your standards. Do not belittle yourself by allowing men to leave you to “read between the lines”. It’s either they affirm what they are about or they allow you to wait on the right person to pick the beautiful blossoming flower(you).
Arise Woman 